We're having a New Years baby!

Baby is coming! Laura has started magnesium (for the preeclampsia) and soon to start Pitocin to induce labor. She's starting to feel a little yucky cuz of the mag so please keep her (and all of us) in your prayers! We may have first baby of 2013!

We're Admitted!

Hey all!! Well, we came to the hospital for a scheduled non-stress test today and finally got the results of the 24 hour urine from FIVE days ago. The midwife said Laura's protein/creatinine were very high, which indicates severe preeclampsia. So...we're being admitted. We're not quite clear whether the admission is for hospital bed rest/monitoring or for delivery. Just waiting for the OB. Will keep everyone posted!! Happy New Year!

The Bun Will Stay in the Oven!

Okay so, once again, Baby Mac has decided to create some drama and then casually hang in for a little while longer. I'm thinking girl?? The labs done at the hospital all came back normal and Laura's BP came down as she was laying down for awhile. This is good news but she's still REALLY swollen and has been officially been put on bed rest until delivery. Laura will be doing a 24hr urine test today/tonight which will be tested tomorrow, along with some other labs and probably another BP check. So, I guess only God knows what tomorrow will bring but every day brings us closer to 37wks, which is when we're technically considered safe at "full term". Thanks SO much to everyone who has offered encouragement, prayers, and to help us out over the next few weeks. Thom and I appreciate all the support and love. And PLEASE continue to lift up Laura-she is SO uncomfortable and definitely does not do well with "sitting still". Bedrest will be especially tough for her and the kiddos. Anyways, more updates to come soon. We're 35wks 5days today! YAY!!

Maybe Baby??

Hey all!! Just a REAL quick update (I promise this time!). We went to the OB appointment today to find that Laura likely has preeclampsia. The doc sent us over to the hospital for labs and BP monitoring. If the BP doesn't come down, the doctor said they'll want to get Baby Mac out! Exciting to hear those words but nerve racking all at the same time. Prayers please-well keep you all posted!! 35wks 5days today!

We're Getting There!

Hey all! I dont have much new stuff to report but thought I'd write a quick note to keep you all updated. Laura and I met the new (Cape Cod) OB, Dr. Elmer, last Wednesday. He seemed perfectly nice, although we both left with a bit of a wierd vibe about him. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt, however-I think he may have been a little thrown off by the situation since Laura is coming to his practice as a new patient at 34wks and is also carrying my baby! I've read wonderful things about him as a practitioner and also know that he was recently the OB for another surrogate situation so I'm not too concerned. We have our next appointment with him on December 26th-please pray that things will be more comfortable now that he has met us and understands the situation going into the appointment. And, hey, if not...I guess all that we really need to be concerned with is that he knows how to deliver a baby safely for both Laura and Baby Mac! I keep having to remind myself that, once this baby is here, I will look back at all these little things that I stress about now and realize that I was making a big deal out of nothing. It's easier said than done now but I know it will be true. Not too much longer until we get there! On another note, I am four weeks into the lactation induction and am making sloooooow progress. For those of you who haven't talked to me recently--yes, it's possible to breastfeed a baby that you did not carry and YES, I am doing everything in my power to make this happen! I've been trying to go the natural route (without medications/hormones) because the medications are hard to get, very expensive (not covered by insurance), dont' always work, and can come with side effects. My lactation consultant SWEARS that the natural route is the best way to go so I'm giving it my strongest effort. So, WHAT, you ask, is the natural route? Well, the most natural route would be to have a baby stimulate my milk production by latchiing on but I dont have many mothers lining up to volunteer their newborn for the job! So, the next most natural route is pumping, pumping, and MORE pumping. Currently, I'm pumping every 2-4 hours around the clock, depending on whether I'm home or at work. (At least I'll be somewhat prepared for the night shift when Baby Mac comes!) I'll be honest-it's a LOT of work and I have almost given up a few times due to my lack of progress and VERY sore tatas (sorry if TMI) but I just keep reminding myself of how wonderful a gift it will be if I succeed. It may not be possible for me to carry this baby but I'm going to do everything in my power to make darn sure that nothing else takes away from our mother/child bond. And I am by no means saying that moms who don't breastfeed are bad mothers or do not establish a bond with their child. This is completely a personal decision and something that is important to me. With that being said, I've succeeded in inducing lactation...just not a large amount...I've only gotten a few drops here and there. But, the good news is my body IS responding. And this is why I started so early-I still have 6wks before Baby Mac will be joining us (altho Laura says less)! I never thought I'd ask anyone to pray for my boobs but there's a first time for everything. :) Please also continue to pray for Laura's comfort and strength as well as for Thom and I as we get closer and closer to the arrival of our little miracle. T-37 days!! Here are some pics from the past few weeks...

The Crazy Crew on Cape Cod

Big sister, Brynlee!! Getting excited...sorta.

34 weeks and growing!

Baby Mac is Here to Stay!

Hey there! I promise I haven't been purposely slacking on the blog-we've just passed through a period where not too much was going on except a growing belly and a lot of counting down the days until January 25th. But I'm making up for it now...I've got lots of news to share! The biggest and best news is that Baby Mac, Laura, Kaydence, and Logan are here to stay until after the birth of the baby. They settled in on Monday and will be living on Cape Cod for the remainder of their stay. I know I mentioned this briefly in my previous blog but, for those of you who are confused (since the original plan was to deliver in GA) I will give a quick update. Shortly after we became pregnant, Laura's husband found out that he would be deployed. Since she and the kids would be moving "off post" anyways, Laura offered to move out to MA so that Thom & I could be more a part of the pregnancy and also to ensure that we would both be there for the birth. I cannot begin to explain what an amazing gift this has been for me-there is such a peace in knowing that our baby is just over 1.5 hours (instead of 25 hours) away, that I can be there for Laura and the baby when needed, and that I can finally "see" the little munchkin whenever I want to! We're 30wks along and I was finally able to feel Baby Mac move for the first time on Monday...what a wonderful feeling. I've also read that, at this point, the baby can begin to recognize his mother's voice so I'm going to have to make a point of talking/singing to Laura's belly (sorry Laura!) as often as possible. Anyways, Thom's aunt and uncle were kind enough to offer up their Cape house to Laura and the kids while they are here in MA so they will be staying in Osterville and, as long as all goes well, Baby Mac will be delivered at Cape Cod Hospital. The hospital does not have a high level NICU and therefore transfers out any complicated pregnancies/births to Boston. This made me extremely skeptical at first, especially after my birth experience with Brynlee, but I've reminded myself that I am not and never will be in control of what happens. I know that bad things can happen at "the best" hospitals and that I have to trust in God's plan for this situation, whatever it may be. It also helped that Laura and I had a bit of a "glimpse into the future" as we spent the night at Cape Cod Hospital on Wednesday night! Yep, that's right...the poor girl moved out here on Monday and, by Wednesday night, was in the hospital. I'll tell ya the LAST thing you want to hear from the woman carrying your baby is "I dont want to alarm you but...". Those are the exact words I got from Laura on Wednesday evening when she told me that she had been having terrible side pain all day and felt that something wasn't right. Of course, we haven't even seen an OB out here yet and don't have any of Laura's records from GA (since she JUST got here on Monday), so we were a bit lost on what to do/who to go to for advice. We ended up talking to an "on call" doctor from an OB office in Hyannis who told Laura that she should go to the hospital to make sure all was well. I think we ALL thought that we'd be told the pain was a muscle strain from the drive/moving and that we'd be on our way a few hours later. We were definitely suprised when Laura was hooked up to the monitor and it became clear that she was having contractions every 1-2 minutes! As she was being observed for a few hours, the contractions continued to get stronger and, since the doctor couldn't find any explanation for early contractions (deydration, infection, etc), they became concerned that she was actually in premature labor. Laura and I ended up staying over night, lots of tests were run, and Laura was given two doses of a medication called Terbutaline to stop the contractions. The doctor told us that, if the second dose did not stop the contractions completely, we would be sent into Boston for further care. This was actually pretty scary because suddenly we realized that, ready or not, this baby COULD be coming...at 29wks 6days! Luckily, the second dose of medication did the trick and the contractions pretty much stopped but, because she was still having a few contractions here and there, the doctor ordered an ultrasound Thursday morning to check the length of Laura's cervix (sorry for TMI!). If the ultrasound had shown any cervical changes (shortening), this would mean that we'd be at risk for premature labor. Thanksfully, this was not the case. The baby looked perfect (although it flipped around during all the craziness and is no longer "head down"-this is ok for now) and her cervix showed no signs of shortening. Phew! So, all in all, though the doctors said it was strange for her to be having so many contractions this early with no explanation, the contractions did not cause any physical changes which means the baby is still nice and secure for now. Finally, we were sent home and Laura was told to take it easy, drink a lot of fluids, and to come back if the contractions return and become stronger. Please keep us in your prayers that, although we're VERY anxious to meet him/her, this baby hangs in for at least another 7 weeks! Here's the cute baby belly on the monitor!

Heartbeat & contractions!

I have to say that I think God had a great plan in this whole hospital scare. Although, at first, I couldn't help but think "Seriously, God?? Have we not been through enough?", I can already see great things that have come out of this experience. First of all, it made me feel more comfortable with the hospital. I'm definitely the type of person who drives the route to work on the day before I start a new job because I like to know what I'm getting into. Well, this is no different...there is a sense of comfort in knowing what the hospital looks like, how close it is to the house, what door we'll walk into, what floor we'll be on etc when the big day comes! And, after spending the night with Laura on "observation", I feel confident in the thoroughness of the doctors and in the fact that they won't hesitate to send us to Boston if they feel they are "in over their heads". The only thing that I was not thrilled about was the way that I was treated as the "intended mother". I had to keep reminding myself that the most important thing was the safety of Laura and the baby because it was as if I didn't exist at times. Even though the providers knew the situation, I was most frequently addressed as "she" or "your friend" instead of "mom", was not considered in ANY decisions, and often stared at the midwife's butt as she turned her back to me to address only Laura about what was going on. It was a harsh reminder of the reality of surrogacy and that I may not feel/be treated like a mom until the baby is waking ME up to feed in the middle of the night. It was hurtful, to say the least, and I'm hoping that the birth experience will be different. But it was probably a good reminder that I need to keep my expectations in check so that I won't be disappointed if things don't occur as I've imagined. I have to remember that, once this is all over, I'll have that baby in my arms and will not be worried about how he/she came into this world. Most importantly, I think that God used this hospital experience to strengthen the relationship between Laura and I. Over the past two months or so, I felt a great distance between us. She may say differently...I'm not sure...but I felt it. We have had a few disagreements along the way, which are bound to happen in any gestational carrier/intended mother relationship. None of these were caused by something that either of us did wrong-I think they are just an inevitable outcome of a "high stress" relationship between two people coming from different situations. In order for a woman to become a surrogate/gestational carrier, she HAS to have had a history of smooth, complication-free pregnancies and deliveries. An agency will not even consider a woman as a candidate for surrogacy without this history. On the other hand, in order for a woman to be an intended mother (seeking a surrogate), she has likely come from a painful history of infertility, loss, or a traumatic birthing experience. Therefore, simple issues can cause incredible stress and controversy as the surrogate is likely more relaxed and the intended mother slightly neurotic. :) My reason for this rant is that I feel this difference drew a bit of a barrier between Laura and I over the past few months. We still got along and all but I just didnt' feel the closeness that I had felt in the past. I think that the recent hospital experience, in a way, "rekindled the flame" (yes, there I go sounding like we're dating again!). I feel that I regained confidence in the depth that Laura truly cares for us and the little baby that is growing in her belly. It reminded me that, even though we may not see eye to eye on small issues, she knows her body and knows when something isn't right with her or the baby. When she called me on Wednesday she told me that, though it may be nothing, her gut said that something wasn't right...and her gut was absolutely correct. It's HARD trusting somebody elses judgement when it comes to your baby (especially when its supposed to be YOUR job) but I now have complete faith that our baby is safe with Laura. And, dont get me wrong, it's not that I didn't trust her before...I just feel even more secure about the situation now. Also, seeing what Laura went through in the hospital (the pain, the pokes, the anxiety over leaving her kids) was a HUGE reminder of the incredible sacrifice that she is making for our family. Finally, the many hours Laura and I spent in the hospital, waiting and wondering what was going to happen, gave us the opportunity to catch up without all the outside distractions. So, anyways, Laura may read this and think "what the heck is she talking about??" but I'm speaking from my own heart and I truly feel that God had a plan in this experience! So, I'll leave you all with that for now...this has been a LONG entry! If you're still hanging in, thanks for reading and please continue to keep us all in your prayers! We're 30wks 2days today...T-68 days!! :)

It's a....!!!

SUPRISE! Well, we did it-we stuck to our guns and didn't find out whether we are having a boy or girl. I thought it would be a lot harder to say "no" when we actually got into the room and were asked whether or not we wanted to know, but it was pretty easy. In all honesty, it's still really hard to feel close to this baby, the pregnancy, or the reality that any of this is truly happening. Don't get me wrong...I get excited when I see Laura's growing belly, hear that the baby is becoming more active, and see the baby moving around on the ultrasound screen. But it's a much different, distant kind of excitement than it was when all of those things happened in my own body. Its hard to explain. I guess the feeling I can best relate it to was when my sister was pregnant for the first time around (with my nephew, Dylan). It was thrilling for sure, and I wanted to know every detail about the pregnancy, the appointments, etc. As is with this baby, I couldn't wait for him to finally be born...I counted down the seconds until that "I'm in labor" phone call. BUT there obviously wasn't that emotional, intimate attachment that I felt with Brynlee. I wouldn't have noticed the difference at the time but now, having been there once, I feel something missing. I imagine this feeling is normal and understandable but it's sometimes hard to feel. There is an element of guilt (on my part) that comes along with these feelings, even though I KNOW that the bond I'm missing right now will form as soon as I hold the baby in my arms. I can remember telling my sister, Katie, that I never thought I would be able to love another child as much as I loved Dylan. But, of course, I was able to love my next nephew, David, just as much...and Brynlee even more. I have no doubt in my mind that I will love this child as deeply as I love Brynlee but the guilty feelings still creep in. And no matter how much I love this next child, what if he/she THINKS I don't love him/her as much as I love Brynlee because I wasn't able to carry the pregnancy? Those thoughts are there too and they're scary. I can deal with the pain that this loss has caused/will cause me but I would be devastated to see it have an effect on my future child. People ask if we will tell this child that he/she was carried by somebody else. The answer is yes, we will definitely be very open about this fact. I'm not exactly sure HOW we'll do it but I know that we'll find the right time and the right way. Let's just hope that Brynlee isn't one of those bratty older siblings that says "Neiner Neiner Neiner, mommy loves me more than you because I grew in her belly...". Yikes! Anyways, I totally went off on a tangent there but I was trying to say that maybe this "distance" is what made it easier for me to NOT need to find out the gender this time around. Or maybe its just because we've been here before and I want to do it differently...who knows?! Either way, I'm incredibly excited that we didn't find out and can't wait for the moment that we do. :) But back to the most important part, the baby looked perfect on the ultrasound. Everything was measuring right on track, even up to the EXACT date we were at (20wks 5days). The heartbeat was at 140, 20bpm slower than at the last ultrasound. Old wives tales would speculate that this means it's a boy...DUN DUN DUN. Here are some pictures of our little mystery!

If you look closely you can see he/she is sucking its thumb (just like mama did)!

"You woke me up!"-baby rubbing the eyes and possibly sticking out tongue!

Cute little legs/bum shot! After the appointment, Thom and I actually had some time before catching our flight home so we got to spend some time with Laura and the family. Our past trips have been so quick that we've basically had to say goodbye in the office parking lot and haven't had much time to see Kaydence, Logan, and Calvin. Even though Laura is actually our "oven", her family is such a huge part of this for us too. For those of you who know me well, you can guess how excited I was when Laura mentioned going out for a spin on their new boat. We get to see our baby AND go on a boat...could this trip get any better?? Calvin was nice enough to get off work early so that he could pick up the boat and take us out on the lake on our way to the airport. Kaydence even got Thom out tubing..she can be pretty convincing! We were determined to make him fall off but he stayed on strong. Go Thom!

Needless to say, we had a great time on the boat with Laura and the family. Personally, I'd be happy boating through a pit of mud (that's how much I love boats!) but this was an extra bonus. We even got to catch the sun setting on the lake-it was absolutely beautiful!

Well, all good things must come to an end-Thom and I headed right for the airport from the boat. We actually had our clothes hanging out the window to dry on the ride to Atlanta because we weren't expecting to go on a boat ride and didn't have a change of clothes! It was a sight for sure. :) This time, it wasn't so hard saying goodbye to Laura and the baby because...here's our other big news...she (and Kay & Logan) will be moving out here in November to be with us until the baby is born! It's been up in the air for awhile so I didn't want to mention it (or get too excited) but its finally official! We're not 100% sure where she'll be living yet but we're working on it and, wherever it is, she'll be in MA and not 26hrs away! Laura always promised me that she'd do her best to make me feel a part of this pregnancy but I NEVER expected this. I had originally planned to move out to GA early with Brynlee to help Laura out in the last few weeks and also to make sure I was there for the birth. Thom would have stayed at home to work until we thought she was close to labor but there was always that chance that he wouldn't make the delivery. Now, we all get to be a close part of the whole last trimester and can ENSURE that we will both be there for delivery without having to completely disrupt our lives, our jobs, and most importantly, Brynlee's life. And our families/friends can visit us in the hospital after the baby is born! It may sound silly but I really looked forward to that part with Brynlee and was bummed that I never felt well enough to have visitors. As I've always said, we are SO incredibly blessed to have found Laura in this process. There is no doubt in my mind that God had a plan from the very beginning. Love you, Laura!! That's all I've got for today. Lots of big and exciting news! We're 21wks 2days along...

MORE THAN HALF WAY THERE!! :)

To Peek or Not to Peek??

Well, Thom and I are on our way to the airport to head out to GA for the big 20wk ultrasound. This is the uktrasound where All the measurements are taken of the baby to make sure he/she is growing on track. It's also most famously known as "The Gender Screening" because this is when we could find out if we are having a boy or girl! I've said all along that I don't want to know this time around (we did find out with Brynlee) so I hope I can stick to my guns! Although it would be fun to know...and you can argue that it might help me feel closer to this baby that I can't carry...I think a surprise would be fun. I just feel like everything about this process has been so predictable and unnatural, from the start of meds, to ovulation day, to the "date of conception" (retrieval day). Having a surprise could be a nice little moment for Thom and I to enjoy together, with no science or manipulation involved. Just Gods plan for our lives, presented to us in that moment of excitement andand joy. I guess there's also a part of me that craves that birth moment that you see on tv when the doctor shouts "it's a..." and tears of joy start flowing. I sort of got robbed of that dream last time around so I'm hoping this will be my big moment. Well see! Anyways, I'll update more when we return from our, once again, speed trip to GA. Please pray for a healthy baby and a safe trip for Thom and I (being 9/11 is not helping my nerves!) Thanks for reading and for all the support!

Don't Wake a Sleeping Baby!

I thought I'd write a quick post to let you all know some exciting news! Laura felt the baby move for the first time last night. :) And no, it wasn't gas! She was pushing around on her belly and found a hard spot which (as she continued to poke) wiggled away! I warned her that if this baby is anything like his/her mom and dad, she'd better not disturb it's slumber OR ELSE! We decided she'll get what's coming to her in just a few short months when the baby keeps her awake with its late night aerobics. Anyways, as I'm sure most of you can imagine, hearing about the first movement was a little bittersweet. Aside from the peeing on a stick, this is the first real physical "mom" thing that I'm missing out on which makes the hard parts of this journey even more real. Well...I guess you could count the belly changes too but somehow I'm doing a good job of packing on the pounds myself. Believe it or not, I've put on more weight than Laura has since this pregnancy began. THAT'S not how this is supposed to work!! So, the truth is that I felt happy and sad all at once last night when Laura told me but I'm SO glad that she immediately thought to text me when it happened. She's always kept her promise to make me feel like I'm going right along in this pregnancy with her. We are very blessed! :)

"Labor Day"

As I've promised from the start, I want to write this blog as honestly as possible. Therefore, I feel it'd be disingenuous to include only the exciting parts of our journey through surrogacy and wanted to share what's going on in my head right now. This whole week is a tough one for me as it brings back a wide range of memories and emotions. It's the 2 year anniversary of a time that changed my life in so many ways-the birth of my amazing little girl and the loss of such a special gift of motherhood. It's also a time that will always remind me of how precious and fragile life is. But today (July 28), the day I call "labor day", is the day that hits me the hardest and I imagine that it will continue to for many years. Two years ago today I went into labor with Brynlee. I so clearly remember the feelings of excitement, the anticipation, and that indescribable closeness that I felt with Thom as we paced the perimeter of the hospital hand in hand. I remember texting all day with friends and family, capturing every detail of my progress (or lack there of!) and playing over and over in my head what that beautiful moment would be like when Brynlee finally arrived. I barely remember the pain (how quickly we forget!) but I do know that, however bad it was, I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat if I could. And, of course, the toughest pill to swallow is that I never will. The journey through surrogacy will bless us with another baby but THIS ("labor day") is the day that I'll never get back. I can deal with the emotions of sadness & anger but I really struggle with the feelings of guilt and ungratefulness that come from having these emotions in a time of great joy. I'm not sure if that makes any sense but my little girl turns 2 tomorrow and we have another baby on the way in the belly of someone who has become such a great friend-it seems like there should be no room for negative feelings in the midst of these things. But I wouldn't be honest if I said that I didn't have these thoughts. So, that's really all I have to post today. I apologize that this blog is a bit WAH WAH (as my girls would say)...but it's an honest part of the journey! In honor of the memories, I thought I'd post a picture of the REAL "Labor Day". Not my best look-this was a good 12 hours into labor. :)

Tomorrow brings lots of joy...happy birthday to my little angel-the one who makes it all worth it! Here she is just an hour old, already bright eyed and bushy tailed!

And here is the latest on our newest little joy...we're 14wks 1day! Love this belly!

Oh and one more thing...Happy 3rd birthday to Jackson TODAY!

Meeting Dr. Rees and Hello 2nd Trimester!

Hey everyone! I just wanted to post a quick update-we had our first actual OB appointment! As I mentioned in the last post, we have been under the care of the infertility specialists up until this point. But now we're finally OB patients which means that this pregnancy is well on its way. And coincidentally, the day of the appointment (last Friday) also marked the first day of our second trimester! This is the typical time that most would start to tell friends and family that they're having a baby but I guess we're well past that. :) For those of you who don't know, the reason for the wait is because most complications/miscarriages occur during the first trimester when all the crucial developments are taking place. So, we're VERY happy to have cleared that milestone-WOOHOO!! Anyways, Thom and I flew out to GA on Thursday night after work and got to Columbus around 1am. Unbeknownst to us, our hotel actually "closes" at 11pm so we were a bit shocked to find out that the doors were locked and we couldn't get in! Luckily, I had the number and the late night manager was nice enough to sneak us in. Phew-otherwise I think Laura and the fam may have had a rude awakening to find us pounding on their door for a place to sleep. :) The next morning (or a few hours later, I guess!), Thom and I went for a little tour of Columbus (as Laura says, not much to see!) and found a quaint little restaurant that serves "authentic Southern BBQ" food which Thom was thrilled about. I was also VERY happy to discover that this includes my favorite....FRIED PICKLES! Here is a glimpse of the tasty goodness before they were devoured.

Anyways, onto bigger and better things...the appointment! Dr. Rees, the OB that Laura and I picked out long before we were even pregnant, was great. She has definitely been in the business for awhile and knows her stuff. She's actually the only doctor in the practice which, I guess, increases our chances of actually having OUR doctor deliver the baby. This will be especially great since she'll be the one who knows the whole story and has met not only Laura but Thom and I as well! The whole staff was wonderful-they already knew about our situation coming in and were very welcoming, understanding, and professional. Both the medical assistant and Dr. Rees treated Thom and I like mom and dad-as soon as Dr. Rees entered the room she looked right at me and said "you're going to have a baby!" and also told the medical assistant "you can go get daddy now" when the ultrasound was all ready to go. I know these seem like such little things but they mean a WHOLE lot to me. So, overall we were very pleased with the appointment and, since we weren't expecting another ultrasound, we were pleasantly suprised to get to see our little baby again! Its amazing how just a few weeks can make such a difference in development. This time, we could actually see arms and legs and, overall, the baby looked a lot more like a baby and less like a potato with a hearbeat! :) So, that's really all I have to share today. The trip was very quick (they keep getting shorter!) because, as soon as the appointment was over, we had to hug Laura goodbye and rush to the airport where we barely made our plane! But of COURSE we took a few minutes to snap some pictures in the parking lot (which was apparently very entertaining to a nice lady who was watching and laughing at us from her car). I have to credit Laura for being such a great sport while I posed and re-posed her for all these shots right in the middle of the parking lot. Thanks, Laura! Anyways, here they are!

My attempt at artistic photography. Note the baby is already in proper position!

12 weeks! 2nd trimester begins!

The happy couple! ;-) Next big step...the 20week ultrasound where we'll get a REAL good look at our little one and can choose to find out the gender (thinking we're not going to!!) Thanks for reading!

"Graduation Day"!!

Wow, it's been awhile, huh?? Welcome back! So, yesterday was the long-awaited "graduation day" for our little bean. I say this because Laura was officially released from the care of the Brigham Infertility Clinic and into the care of the OB we've chosen out in GA. I have to start by saying how incredibly blessed we are to have found Laura in our lives. Since we were treated so poorly at the first ultrasound in Georgia, she was selfless enough to put her life on hold (once again!) to travel all the way out here for a 30 minute scan. Laura says that she didn't want to wait any longer to see the baby (and I'm sure there's some truth in that) but I know that her real reason for doing this was because she knew how much it would mean to me. It's a hard thing trying to feel like "the mom" in a surrogate pregnancy. Up to the point of the egg retrieval, I actually felt very involved because I was going to even more appointments than Laura was, I was taking prenatal vitamins, I was going through the "sacrifices of motherhood" by taking shots everyday, and I was the patient. As soon as our embryos were transferred, all of that stopped. From that moment on, the intended mother becomes a bystander in a way and it can be really tough. I'm so glad that I had the one chance to be pregnant with Brynlee but sometimes I feel like knowing what it WAS like makes this process even harder. With Brynlee, I (LITERALLY) had a connection with her from the very beginning. With this pregnancy, whether you call it "my pregnancy" or not, is obviously completely opposite. Even the name "intended mother" sounds so disconnected. Its like "ya, that woman...she's INTENDED to be the mom, but hey things could change". I think thats why it was so disappointing to be treated the way that we were at the last ultrasound. It was almost like, just because I wasn't "their patient", this baby was not my baby! I guess what I'm trying to say is that surrogacy can quickly turn that feeling of "mother-baby connection" into utter disconnection. But that's why I feel so blessed to have Laura. She IS my connection to this baby right now and she has told me since day 1 that she was going to do everything in her power to make me feel like this is my pregnancy. Her coming out here for this ultrasound really confirmed that she meant it because the day could not have gone any better.

The ultrasound probably lasted about a half hour this time and I enjoyed every second of it. Seeing that little baby on the screen was such an incredible experience. With Thom's arms wrapped around me, we watched our little baby's heart beat for the first time and I was immediately reminded of how truly great God is. In less than two years, we have been through hell and back. But, here we are, watching our baby together, just as we would have hoped for had none of this ever happened. It was just such a powerful reminder that "where there is a will, there is a way" because nothing is hopeless with God. The tech was wonderful-she pointed out every little thing from the yolk sac (which will nourish the baby until the placenta matures) to the growing arms and legs. The heart was beating at 179bpm so Laura is guessing girl but Thom is pretty convinced that the umbilical cord is actually something else...:) The baby even jumped a little bit at one point...I'm pretty sure he/she was trying to wave that little arm bud to say "HI MOM & DAD!" :)

When the ultrasound was done, we went upstairs to the clinic to have our final meeting with Dr. Fox. She referred to this as our graduation ceremony. She told us that everything looks perfect and relayed her excitement to all of us. It was nice to see that she truly seemed touched by it all and mentioned that she could clearly remember the very first time she met Thom and I shortly after the hysterectomy. She reminded us of how far we've come since then-and so quickly-and made sure to tell us numerous times that she wanted us to keep her updated on the pregnancy and the delivery. I felt like we were actually important to her, not just another infertility patient. At the end of the visit, she held out the graduation paperwork and said "I'll hand these to you, Kristin". I'm not even sure if Laura or Thom noticed but I sure did because it meant a lot to me. Even though my name may not be on the paperwork and the ultrasound pictures, Dr. Fox was acknowledging that I am the mom and it felt great. And it also felt great that we've moved from infertility to OB. It feels a little bit more like we're having a baby and less like we're part of a science experiment. Sounds strange, but true! And here is our perfect little baby!!

So, as I said, the WHOLE experience was incredible and, thanks to everyone involved, that feeling of disconnect wasn't even on my mind. When all was said and done, Thom, Laura, & I went to lunch at Jerry Remy's and basically stuffed ourselves sick. They aren't lying when they guarantee that EVERY nacho has cheese on it!! Then, it was off to the airport again to say goodbye to Laura. This was by far the shortest trip yet (not even 24hrs!) but I have to say it was also the best. Next big event: The first OB appointment out in GA! We're 9wks 4days along! Yay!

Woah BABY! This is the real thing!

Hi everyone! So, I'm only a day late with the update this time. Excuse me while I pat myself on the back! As hoped, this blog brings good news. BUT, in true Kristin fashion, I'm going to make you wait until the end of my long-winded story to hear just what that news is. And don't let me catch you reading ahead! My mom (AKA "Moo" for those of you who dont know) and I landed in GA around 2:30pm, hopped in our rental car, and arrived at our LOVELY accomodations (my fault-tried to save some money!!) around 5:30pm. After a quick outfit change and a tour of our spacious 5 sq ft lobby, we met Laura, Calvin, Kaydence, Logan, and their friend Jess at their favorite dinner spot, "Fuji". Laura had mentioned that they frequent that place and we joked that I should try out the place where my baby would get most of its nourisment but, wow, she wasn't kidding! As soon as we walked in, we were surrounded by wait staff and others anxious to greet us with open arms. I think Kaydence may very well have known the name and story of every employee in there... and made sure to introduce us as well! She is certainly not shy! Anyways, the food was excellent and, aside from almost getting our brows singed off by the first big hibachi flame, "Mama" (thats what the chef kept calling Moo) and I had a great time with Laura and her family. When we got back to the hotel, Moo and I had a hankering for a glass of wine. You'd think this would be a simple request but you can't buy alcohol on Sundays there so we were advised to go to Alabama. Since Columbus is right on the border of Alabama, Moo and I decided we weren't too pathetic to cross state lines for a bottle of wine and off we went. We got just a little lost and our ten minute wine trip turned into more like an hour but at least we got a tour of the area! Whats a mini vacation without some good ol' fashioned sight seeing anyways? Once back at the hotel, Moo and I sat by the pool with our well deserved wine, had some good chats, made friends with a stray cat, and then headed to bed. All in all, it was a great day. Well, I'll tell you I didnt sleep much at all that night. All day I kept talking about how excited I was to get into bed but, once I was there, my mind would NOT stop racing. I kept thinking about how crazy it was that we were actually there to go to the first ultrasound for this new life! After the hysterectomy, another baby just seemed like such a far fetched thing for awhile. Even after getting into the surrogacy process, there was just ALWAYS another step in between us and the end result that we were waiting for. And after all we'd been through to get there, the whole thing just seemed too surreal. It was like I had waited forever for this moment yet, at the very same time, I felt like it had all happened so quickly. I kept wondering if we'd see a heartbeat or if it was too early, if we'd find out the due date, and if I'd actually feel like the mom or like just a bystander. I wondered whether there'd be one or two babies in there and, of course, worried a bit that there wouldn't be any at all. There were just so many questions/thoughts running through my head. Either way, I knew that the next morning would leave a big mark in my life, whether a good one or a bad one. I think all that MAY have had something to do with my inability to sleep. Just a hunch. :) Anyways, morning FINALLY came and Laura picked us up for the appointment. I guess I should have known that we weren't off to the best start when Laura told us that the clinic had called her to come in earlier and that they were unhappy when she said that she couldn't. I'm not sure if this set them off or if they are just nasty people but the rest of the morning did NOT go as we had expected (or maybe hoped). I won't bother going into detail because it just makes me mad and obviously whats done is done but we were not treated well. Basically, we were whisked into a room, Laura was told to change, two ultrasound techs came in without introduction and performed the ultrasound in less than a minute, making sure to turn the screen away so that neither Laura or I could watch. As the two techs were about to walk out of the room, it must have been our jaws on the ground that tipped one of them off to the fact that we were waiting for an explanation. She very rudely said "you aren't our patient so we cant tell you anything or give you a picture. You'll have to wait til we fax the results to your clinic" and walked out the door. Everyone keeps asking me why none of us spoke up or asked for a manager. I can honestly say that the three of us were in shock about what had just happened. I still can't really believe it. Maybe we shouldnt have gone in with such high expectations but I never thought things would go that way. And I dont tell that story to complain or gather sympathy. I just feel that, in order to truly share this experience from the eyes of the "intended mother", I have to include the difficult parts as well. I guess it's all part of the journey. And that's all I'll say about that! After the appointment, we got to see Laura's home and spent some time with Kaydence and Logan. Around 11, Laura brought Moo and I back to our hotel and we were off again to the airport. What a whirlwind!! We got to the aiport a bit early and ended up with an hour delay so Moo and I got to spend some more quality time together which was nice. FINALLY, around 4pm or so I saw the familiar phone number come up on my phone...it was the Brigham with our news! We have a baby! And I can now say (with a teensy sigh of relief) that there is only one. Don't get me wrong, I would have felt extremely blessed if we found out that we were having twins. BUT I feel equally as blessed to know that there is hope for sleep in my future! The nurse said that she had limited information from the GA clinic (shocking!) but that there is one baby, IN the uterus (that means its not a tubal pregnancy), with a positive heartbeat, measuring at 6wks and 2days. Based on the timing of the egg retrieval and transfer, Laura would have been 6wks and 3days pregnant on Monday so the baby is growing right on track! We are all VERY excited to hear the news and look forward to the next ultrasound at 8wks (which will now be done out here at the Brigham-phew!). This time, we should be able to see the embryo and the heartbeat and then Laura will officially be "graduated" from the Brigham's care into the care of her OB out in GA (totally separate from the clinic where we had the U/S in case you're wondering). So YAY for good news!! I was actually laughing to myself when I began to write this blog because, as I was about to write "ITS OFFICIAL", I realized that I have said that a good four times now (the home test, the two blood tests, and now)! I guess that's the beauty of this situation, right? Who else gets to celebrate the "I'm pregnant" news FOUR TIMES?? But the real beauty is that, with every "It's official", the dream of another baby becomes more of a reality. If all continues to go well, we will be welcoming another baby to the McNamara clan on or around January 25, 2013!! As Laura would say, T-235 days!!

The Results Are In!

Okay, I'm officially the worst blogger ever...I can't believe it took me this long to post! So, here's what went down over the past week. Laura went for blood testing at 8:30am last Monday. Thanks to my wonderful friend Emily, who kindly distracted me for the whole day, I didn't pull ALL of my hair out during the wait for results. Since the clinic told us results would be in around noon, Emily and I had champagne glasses ready to go. Well, here is how they sat for four LOOOONG hours.

Even though I was pretty confident we'd get a positive result after all the home pregnancy tests, waiting for the call was still incredibly suspenseful. Laura and I both made a few harrassing phone calls and FINALLY (around 4pm) the call came in. The nice thing was that Laura got to be the one to call me with the news. We were looking for numbers anywhere between 5-426 for a good result and we got a whopping 659! So, what does this mean? WE'RE PREGNANT!!

WOOT WOOT!! As is with everything in the surrogacy world, just as soon as you think you've made progress, you end up waiting...AGAIN. So, our levels were good but the doctors require another blood test two days later to make sure the HCG (what the blood test is for) levels are climbing. In 48hrs, the number should at least come close to doubling in order to confirm a viable pregnancy (they said above 1050, I believe). Laura went for testing again at 8:30am Wednesday morning. And again, we waited...and waited...and waited......this time the clinic never called!! Though I'm normally a pretty relaxed person, I'll tell you I was NOT happy. Laura's clinic kept saying the results were faxed to the Brigham and the Brigham kept saying they didn't have them but nobody would take the extra step to figure out where the disconnect was. It was BEYOND frustrating knowing that the results were in and that we just weren't getting them because somebody wasn't doing their job. I kept saying to Laura "It's not like we're waiting for the results of a MATH test...this is a PREGNANCY TEST from an INFERTILITY clinic! It doesn't get much more suspenseful than that!" Talk about patient torture. AGHH! Laura was a lot more relaxed about it than I was because she was confident that the results were fine. I guess I was too but I was still so angry. It's hard to explain. I guess I just felt so powerless in a situation where I already feel powerless enough. Anyways, that's how Wednesday went. But we did finally get the results on Thursday and were more than happy with the news. Laura's levels had climbed to 1545-MORE than double! So, in conclusion, things are looking very promising and we are all very excited! Brynlee just can't wait to share her princess throne with a new baby brother or sister. :)

And here's the really exciting part. Laura's first ultrasound will be a week from today-June 4th. The nurse said this ultrasound won't show too much-they only do it to make sure the pregnancy is in the uterus and is not a "tubal pregnancy". But she also said that we should be able to tell whether or not there are two babies in there! Umm...not sure how that translates into "won't show much" but as you can imagine, I'm not missing this ultrasound for the world! Unfortunately, Thom can't make this trip so my mom is going to come out to GA with me. We'll be flying out Sunday afternoon and coming home on Monday evening-a whirlwind trip for sure but WELL worth it! Hopefully next time you hear from me I'll have some more exciting news! As always, thanks for reading and for all of your support. More updates soon! :)

Just A Little Update...

Well, we're still anxiously awaiting May 21...only 5 more days now! This 2 week wait is so hard, I can't even imagine what the 9 month wait will be like! I mean, I know I've done it before but things are obviously going to be very different this time. I can't help but think that the degree of separation created by my inability to actually FEEL the pregnancy will make things go a whole lot slower. But who knows? Maybe things will go faster-I guess its a lot easier to forget that there's a baby on the way when you're not actually seeing the big growing belly and feeling the little kicks and rolls. We'll wait and see! Anyways, of course Laura and I could not wait until Monday to test. I give credit to anybody who can wait it out, all the while knowing that the local drug store has home pregnancy tests!! What could be more exciting than peeing on a stick and waiting 3 minutes to see whether a second line will appear or not?? I always tell Laura that 3 minutes is like Christmas morning when you see all those shiny boxes and have NO idea what's in them. I guess I just love the suspense. I could not WAIT to go out and buy some home tests after the transfer. I know you probably all think I'm crazy but, come on, there was a time when I thought I'd never buy another pregnancy test! There's something thrilling about making the poor 16 year old guy at the register feel incredibly akward when he slides that box across the scanner and quickly tosses it into the bag like he never saw it. Haha, just kidding, I actually hate that part. But, seriously, buying those tests was a big moment for me-it was like a little nudge reminding me "Yes, Kristin, you CAN still have a baby!" Here's a picture of my big moment.

I'm pretty sure Laura DID think I was a little nutty when I begged her to take a test the morning she left to go home (only 3 days post-transfer). I knew there was no way it could be positive but I thought if there was ANY chance I could be there for the moment, I was going to try! As always, Laura was kind enough to appease me and, sure enough, it was negative. She took another test on Mother's Day-what a wonderful Mother's Day gift it would be to find out we're having a baby! Laura is so good to me-she actually sent me a video of the full 3 minutes so that I could feel like I was really there watching for the line to change. She knows I'm really missing that part. Since we've heard many stories of women getting positive tests as early as 5 days post transfer, we were really hopeful for a Mother's Day suprise (day 6 post transfer). Well, that was another negative. With one test left in the box, we debated when to take the next one. Since I'm a "peeaholic", I was routing for Monday but Laura convinced me to wait until Tuesday morning (8 days post transfer). Here's the verdict...

If you're blind like my mom (sorry Moo!), you may think we're imagining this but we both saw a FAINT LINE! Do you see it?? If not, I am happy to report that Laura has now fallen victim to the "peeaholic" syndrome and actually went out and bought some more tests to be sure. I didn't even have to ask! This is the verdict from later Tuesday night...

Good news...my mom could see this one! So, needless to say, we're feeling very good about this and are very excited. However, the blood test on Monday is the real definitive "positive" that the doctors advise waiting for. There's always the chance that the pregnancy doesn't fully stick and, though you get a positive home test, the hormone levels are not high enough at the blood test, meaning the pregnancy will not be viable. So, I had to give you all an update but please keep up the prayers for some good news on Monday. I'd also appreciate lots of prayers and support for Laura-both of her kids have been sick on and off for weeks and now she's not feeling well herself. She's already sacrificed so much for us and continues to do so...this is the last thing that she needs. And I feel helpless all the way out here in MA, so prayers are much appreciated. Well, that's it for now. Until Monday...!!!!

The Embryos Are In!!

Well, the big transfer came on soooooooooooo slowly and was over SO quickly!! The embryos are officially in! It was an amazing experience to say the least. I guess I'll start from the beginning. Laura, Thom and I got up bright and early this morning to get on the road to the Brigham. Our transfer appointment was at 11:15 but they told us to be there by 10:15am. Pulling up to the Brigham was somewhat surreal-none of could believe that THIS time was the real transfer day. Of course, we got there a bit early so we dilly dallied around the hospital for a bit, took some pics, and said a quick prayer in the hospital chapel. Here is a pic of Laura and I getting ready to enter the procedure clinic.

When we got up to the clinic, they took Laura and I right in to get changed into our fancy outfits. Laura got to wear the gown and socks while Thom and I were decked out in full scrub suits. A few nurses came in and out, checked to make sure we were really who we said we were, and Laura had some blood drawn. But basically, we used this time to take silly pictures and eavesdrop on the other "surrogacy situation" right next door to us! Maybe this is more common than we thought! Here we are getting prepped.

After we goofed off for a bit, they finally let Thom come in to sit with us. Once he was decked out in his scrubs as well(he looked very handsome by the way!), it was time to get down to business. Dr. Srouji (the one who would be doing the procedure) came in to talk to us about our embryos and how they'd grown. A lot of it is just a bunch of numbers and very scientific sounding but here's the translation. The embryos are graded on cell division (how many divisions in the embryo) and percentage of fragmentation. We were told anywhere from 6-10 cell divisions is considered good, the higher being better. In terms of fragmentation, a 1 is excellent, 2 is good, 3 is average, etc. Well, we had 9 embryos fertilized (from the 11 eggs extracted) and the majority were really great quality. The doctor ended up suggesting that we transfer 2 embryos and chose a 9cell/1fragment embryo as well as an 8cell/1fragment embryo. So, in terms of grading, these are great quality! The reason they suggested 2 embryos was due to the fact that we most likely wont have more than 5 embryos to freeze. I guess when that is the case, they want to increase the chances of success on the fresh cycle because we'd most likely lose a few embryos in the "thawing" process if we choose to do a frozen cycle. Confusing, I know...but it's all determined by mathematics and you gotta have faith these guys know what they're doing!! If not, we may just end up with twins, which would be a double blessing! Once the doctor explained all of this to us, it was pretty much go time. Here is a pic of the 3 of us just before going into the transfer.

When we got into the OR, Laura hopped up on the table and Thom and I were given stools to sit right beside her. The doctor did a test run and then it was time to put the embryos in. The embryologist brought the embryos out of the lab in a tiny little catheter that was inserted into Laura's uterus. The whole procedure took about 10 minutes and Laura said it wasn't painful at all, just akward! If you saw these stirrups, you'd feel akward too! Well, the rest is history...now we just wait! The clinic ended up telling us that Laura does not need to be on strict bed rest but we're still happy she's here for a couple days so that she can take it easy and we can get in some quality time. Even though she likes to be active, she has been very good about relaxing so far. She even waited hours to pee because she was afraid she'd "pee out the embryos"! I keep telling her to look at this as a mini vacation for her anyways-no kids, sleep as late as you want, get waited on, ENJOY! It's not often one is forced to relax, right?? So, anyways, all in all it was an amazing experience. People have asked me if it was hard watching our embryos go into Laura's body. Its definitely a bit sad knowing that, if we're successful, I won't be real close to the baby/babies until I actually hold them in my arms. But I guess that's what the dad experiences in a pregnancy and children certainly don't love their daddy any less for it! It's just not something a woman expects to happen but I feel so blessed that we even have this opportunity. So to answer the question, I wouldn't say it was hard. It was bittersweet...but mostly sweet! I couldn't have picked a better woman to take my place-thank you, Laura! Alright, that's about it for now. Our pregnancy blood test is scheduled for May 21-seems so far away but hopefully it will fly! Here is our first ultrasound picture. People say they look just like us! :)

Keep up the prayers and, once again, THANK YOU for all your support!

We've Got Eggs!

So, the big retrieval day went well! The docs said the procedure went great and they didn't have to retrieve abdominally, which makes a much easier recovery (thank you everyone for your prayers)! The sedation made the procedure very comfortable and the post-procedure pain hasn't been too bad at all so far. I've been drinking a whole lot of Gatorade, which helps draw the extra fluid out of the ovaries and decreases discomfort. I thought that was pretty interesting! Anyways, the docs were able to successfully retrieve 11 eggs-we'll hear sometime today how many actually fertilized. Laura will be flying in on Sunday evening and, thankfully, her husband was able to get leave to stay with the kids so she will be able to get in a lot of relaxation time. Yay! Transfer is still planned for Monday. We'll find out when we get there how well the embryos have grown and, based on this, the docs will recommend how many/which embryos to transfer. It won't be more than two but, if we have one REALLY great embryo, we may only transfer one. We'll just have to wait and see what the docs say. Well, I'll post an update sometime after transfer on Monday. Please keep the prayers coming for lots of healthy embryos, an easy transfer for Laura, and peace of mind for all of us as we wait for the big news!! Here are some lovely pictures from before and after the retrieval yesterday-pardon the "feelin loopy" eyes!!

The Day Has Finally Come!

Hey everyone! Well, I was wrong about Tuesday's ultrasound being the final one which is why I didn't update sooner. I went for another ultrasound this morning and I can finally say for SURE that it was officially the last one. Nurse Kathy called me today and gave us the wonderful news that we're ready to go. At this point, I have 16 follicles and more growing. Thom will give me the infamous "trigger shot" tonight at 11:30pm, which will finalize the egg maturation process and prepare them for retrieval. The actual retrieval will be at 11:30am on Friday morning at the Brigham. After retrieval, the doctor will let us know exactly how many eggs were retrieved and then, on Saturday, we will get an update on how many actually fertilized. Kathy said that generally 50% of the eggs extracted will fertilize into viable embryos. Eight isn't too shabby-as Laura kindly reminded me, that's four sets of twins!! Yikes! Laura will be coming out here on Saturday night so that we can spend some time together before things really start moving. And finally, the LONG awaited transfer date will be..(drumroll please)...Monday 5/7!! Thom and I have decided to transfer the two best embryos (they are graded on cell division, etc) and the rest will be frozen for future cycles. Many people wonder what is done with any frozen embryos left over after we decide that we are done having children. After much thought, Thom and I have decided that if this happens we will donate them to an organization called "Snowflake Children", which provides embryos to couples having fertility issues of their own. We feel that we have been so blessed to find an amazing couple willing to help us grow our family and we'd love the opportunity to be able to do this for another struggling couple in a different way. But all that that is way in the future so let's get back to the present. What happens after transfer?? We WAIT a loooong 14 days until Laura has her pregnancy test out at her clinic in GA. So, that's it for now! Kathy said that everybody at the clinic is very impressed with the way my body has responded to this process after the trauma that it has been through. So, it looks like everybody's prayers and encouragement have really helped-thank you!! Please keep the prayers coming for safe retrieval/transfer, patience for Laura as she's on bed rest, and peace of mind for all of us as we wait for some (hopefully) good news!

Still Waiting!

Well, obviously egg retrieval did not happen today but we've still got some good news. My ultrasound yesterday showed that I now have 10 measureable follicles which is 7 more than Friday! Also, my Estriadol levels jumped from 285 to 1020-I'm not too sure what this means but the nurse said it was a GREAT leap. I know it has something to do with the maturity/number of follicles so we're getting close. The nurse I spoke with on Sunday said that she wanted the 10 follicles to grow a little bit more so I'm scheduled to go for another ultrasound tomorrow morning. I have a feeling this will be the last one before retrieval and maybe we'll even have more follicles by then! Keep those prayers coming...more updates soon!

Slow but Steady Wins the Race

Just thought I'd share a quick update with you all. My testing on Friday showed that I have three measurable follicles and more on the way. Three is not as much as we had hoped for but hopefully "more on the way" is good news. I go in to the Brigham tomorrow morning for another ultrasound. Hopefully well see many more measurable follicles. The more the better!! It looks like retieval and transfer will be later than originally thought but nurse Kathy says things are still going well. Please keep uP the prayers.

Nice to Meet You, "Follies"!

Well, this won't be a long post but my testing on Wednesday went well. My levels looked fine so I was advised to continue on my Lupron/Follistim regimen until tomorrow morning when I'll go for more bloodwork and another ultrasound. This will be the most telling appointment yet-I'll actually get to see how many follicles (AKA "follies" in the IVF world) I've produced and what sizes they are. Hopefully I've made a lot and they're growing well!! Based on the measurements (maturity) of the follicles, the doc should be able to tell me whether or not we're getting close to retrieval. Once my follicles get to mature size, they will give me the go ahead to take the "trigger (HCG) shot" which is done precisely 36hrs before retrieval. The trigger shot will assist in the final maturation process and ensure that the mature eggs are released from the follicles at retrieval. So, in conclusion, tomorrow is a big day!! More updates soon. :)

The "Stims" Have Started!

So, Thom and I have officially made it through the "first round" of shots (Lupron) and I even managed to do them TWICE on myself while he was away this week. Yep, it took me a looong while the first day but I was finally able to trick my brain into not thinking about it by pinching another area of my belly while giving the shot. Whatever works, right?! The Lupron has otherwise been going well-no real side effects except for some MAJOR night sweats. It's pretty nasty, actually, but much better than some other side effects I read about so I'll take it. I stopped the birth control pill on April 16, which meant today ("day 4" of my cycle) was baseline testing day. This includes some bloodwork and an ultrasound to make sure the Lupron has done its job hormonally and that my ovaries have not developed any cysts as a result of the medications. I recently found out that this is also the "make it or break it" testing-if hormone levels are off or any cysts have developed, the whole cycle is cancelled. Yikes! So, of COURSE there had to be a little drama yesterday (for those of you who know me well, it wouldn't be a Kristin story without it) when I got diagnosed with the flu. The IVF team doctor told me that a fever this morning would mean I could not go for testing, which would compromise the whole cycle! Well, after a lot of worry, rest, fluid, and prayer I woke up fever free and was able to go ahead. PHEW! Things went well with the testing aside from a "runaway ovary" scare. The ultrasound tech almost had me convinced that I only had one ovary because she could not find my left one. I think she asked me three times "So, you're SURE they didn't take an ovary when they did the surgery?" As much as I'm not the biggest fan of the docs who were in charge of my care, I'd like to THINK they wouldn't try to pull the wool over my eyes on this one. So I just kept saying "Ya, I'm sure. Can you keep looking?" The tech finally refused to torture me with any more poking and prodding, decided to do an abdominal ultrasound, and found the left ovary all the up by my ribs! Little bugger. SO, the hope is that once the stimulation meds start to kick in (which apparently make the ovaries swell to the size of grapefruits-what???) the left ovary will drop down a bit. If not, we're looking at possibly having to perform the egg retrieval abdominally, which is much less common and a bit more risky of a procedure. We allll know that Thom and I could do without that concern so (never thought I'd say this) please pray for my left ovary! :) So what does this all mean?? Since all looked good with the testing, I got the go ahead to start my Follistim tonight. This is the medication that will stimulate my ovaries to start producing lots of follicles, which will eventually hold the eggs. For those of you who need a biology refresher as I did, the normal female cycle produces just one egg per month. The Follistim (the "stim" med in IVF lingo) will hopefully cause my ovaries to produce as many as 30 eggs, which is why the ovaries get so big. Of course, along with this comes risk of overstimulation (OHSS) which is just another thing that makes my little worry wheels start turning. I don't mention all this to be a downer or to get sympathy-I just promised I'd include you all in the good, the bad, and the in between so I want to be honest about everything that goes along with this journey. I will be taking Follistim injections every night at 8pm and again the next morning at 6am, along with the Lupron at a decreased dose. Poor Thom is really being put to work now as my designated "shot giver" so keep him your thoughts!! I will go for more testing on Wednesday AM at the Brigham, which will be our first insight into how my ovaries respond to the stimulation medication. We'll hopefully get some more good news which will lead to more progress! I HAVE to include the fortune I just broke out of a cookie as its very pertinent to this blog!! It says "May your faith always exceed your fears--no price is too great to go through life afraid". Does God speak through fortune cookies?? :) I think I need to take these words to heart a bit more in this journey. Please continue to keep us in your prayers for big results, little worry, and LOTS of progress-we're potentially 10 days from retrieval and 13 days from transfer!! Thanks for reading! :)

Ready, Set, Poke!

Today I started my injections! Like Laura, I just couldn't bring myself to do it so Thom was the lucky one. I know, I know...everyone says it-"Why not?? You're a nurse! You poke innocent children all day!". Yes, this is true. BUT, its much different. How do you tell your brain to hurt yourself?? Its not natural! Its like pulling a bandaid off yourself and I was NEVER good at that. "Just rip it off", right? Nope. I was always the kid that thought it would make things less painful to pull it off ever so slowly...one arm hair at a time. I'm still that kid! Anyways, Thom did a good job this morning. As most of you know, he is not a morning person (sound like someone else you know??)but he was a pro! I woke him abruptly at 5:45am, syringe in hand, and not even 30 seconds later it was all done. I'll be honest-perhaps it was fatigue or beginners luck, but I didn't even feel a thing. Phew! The worst part was that I could NOT get back to sleep afterwards. I was just laying there in bed thinking about what all of this means. I know I keep saying this but we're REALLY on our way! It's been such a long time coming, its just hard to wrap my head around the fact that we're here. A lot of it still seems like dream-like WAIT is this REALLY happening or am I going to wake up tomorrow, 9 months pregnant, and say "honey I had the strangest dream"?? For so long this whole process has seemed like just a jumble of dates and foreign terms to read about. Its easy to forget that this is actually our LIFE right now and not just something I'm learning about in a textbook. Laura has become such a close friend to me that I often forget how she came into my life in the first place. I feel like we've already been through so much together and this is only the beginning! Wierd, wierd, wierd. Anyways, back to reality-whats the next step?? I'll be taking the Lupron injections for at least 10 days and then going for baseline bloodwork and ultrasound (April 19). Laura has started taking Estrogen (her 2nd medication) and has decreased her Lupron. Based on blood testing that she will be doing this Friday, we will both be given instructions as to where we go from here. I'm currently having a battle with the pharmacy because they suddenly "ran out of stock" of one of my medications and failed to tell me this until today when I called to figure out what the heck was going on with the hold up! So, prayers would be very helpful that we can (promptly!!) find another specialty pharmacy that carries this medication and takes our insurance. So, thats it for now. But more updates to come. As always, thanks for all the love and support-Thom and I feel extremely blessed!

We've Officially Begun!

So the big day has finally come! Laura started her shots today which means we're REALLY in cycle. No more "As soon as...", "We're waiting for...", etc. We're actually in it! Since I'm not the one who started today, I dont have much detail to give but Laura explained it well in her blog today. For those of you who don't follow her blog as well as mine, here's a sneak peek: "I couldnt sleep very well last night, between the anxiousness and making sure im up at the right time! I was up at 5 (instead of 540) and figured, 'hey I can do this by myself' so I got everything together and followed my instructions. Needless to say, I could NOT do it by myself lol I stood there, pinched 'fat' in hand, and the syringe in the other hesitating like it was my job! ohhh goodness I dont know if it was nervousness, excitement, or what but 'me doing it' wasnt happening. I think it was just the simple fact of stabbing yourself with a needle. I mean who wouldnt hesitate? Anyhow.. I got Calvin up, he pinched and poked, called me a baby, then went back to bed. :) It wasnt bad at all..just a sore spot on the tummy." When Laura received her meds yesterday, it really hit me how close we truly are to everything that we've been waiting for. In just over a month, we could be finding out that we have another baby on the way. Laura was just saying today that she read back to our old blogs and couldnt believe how far we've come. I totally agree. Although it feels like we've waited forever, now that we're finally here it all seems surreal! And I can't help but think back to where I was two years ago. If someone had told me then where I'd be today, I'd probably have been pretty shocked, angry, and scared. After all, this kind of thing only happens in movies like "Baby Mama", right?? And I'll be honest-for awhile after everything happened I WAS all of those things. I really only started looking into surrogacy to assure myself that having more children was a possibility-to gain some sort of control over the whole situation. I've come a long way since then. Now, I realize that I really dont have any control at all. We could attempt all the cycles in the world and never succeed. It's a reality we have to face. But the good part is I'm not really afraid or angry anymore. I grew up being told that God had a plan for my life, and I can't tell you how many times I heard that after everything happened with Brynlee's birth. But the whole time, without even realizing it, I still struggled over wanting to take control of that plan. I feel so blessed to have this opportunity, which has made me analyze what's important in my life and all that I have to be thankful for. It has forced me to let go of some of that need for control in my life-it's actually a very peaceful place to be! Even if we're not successful, I'm thankful to have this experience with Thom, to meet some life changing people, to share this blog with everybody, and, most amazingly, to watch my precious little Brynlee grow up. Though it's hard to think about, I know that having none of this was almost a reality for me. So, I'm grateful. Don't get me wrong-I'm still hopeful for another baby and will definitely be sad if it doesn't happen for us(I'm still human!!). But if right here is where I'm meant to be, I'll be ok with it. I'm still a very lucky lady! Alright alright, I'll stop rambling now. This whole experience has just been such a life changer in so many ways, so I thought I'd share that with you all! In the meantime, we're very excited!! My shots should start somewhere around April 10-so soon!! As always, thoughts, prayers, and support for all of us is welcome!! Thanks for reading! :)

We've got dates!!

Hey there! As hoped, this blog brings some long-awaited dates!! Laura gets to start the infamous Lupron shots on March 31 between 5-7am...poor girl! I start my Lupron shots on April 10 (I hope the timing is more forgiving!). Lupron is a synthetic hormone. From what I understand thus far, the purpose of Laura taking the Lupron is to suppress her cycle and to get her in sync with mine. The purpose of my taking the Lupron is to prevent a premature LH (leutenizing hormone) surge, which would result in ovulation (egg release) before the egg retrieval. This would not be good because then there would be no eggs left to retrieve! I've also read that it causes the release of non-synthetic hormones in my body that will start the growth of follicles (where the eggs grow) in my ovaries. Good stuff, right?? We are waiting for some more detailed information from the Brigham regarding our exact schedule, when we switch to the next injection, etc. But the exciting part is that we also have tentative dates for retrieval and transfer! Laura and I will both be having bloodwork and ultrasounds regularly throughout the cycle (injections) which will ultimately determine the exact dates. However, as it stands currently, the earliest retrieval will be April 30 and transfer 3-5 days later. We're almost a month out!! Thanks to everyone for your thoughts, prayers, and words of encouragement-please keep it up! :)

Almost Time to Cycle!

Yet another hurdle is out of the way which means more PROGRESS! I'm beginning to really love that word!! The legal contract is finally finished and both lawyers are sending copies out today to be signed. Since the Brigham cannot move forward until they have confirmation that our contract is complete, this has been the only thing holding us up since I finished my blood testing and started the pill. That probably doesnt seem too long ago to you all but, for those of us in it, every day seems like a week and every week like a month! Remember being a little kid on Christmas Eve? Well, imagine then your mom or dad tucking you in and saying "Now, go to bed, honey. Santa will be here...SOMEDAY"! Ok ok so I'm being a little dramatic-just trying to shed some light on why the little things seem so big to us. Patience wears thin very quickly! Anyways, our lawyer, Leslie, informed me today that she sent out the legal confirmation (that we're ok to go ahead) to Holly which means that Holly can start "mapping out our cycles" as early as tomorrow! This means that she will be figuring out when we will be starting injections, dosages, how long, etc. And all this leads to....(DRUM ROLL PLEASE)....a transfer date! Laura and I were talking today about how we never thought we'd be so thrilled to start poking ourselves with needles. Its funny how life works out sometimes. But thats ok, this is exciting! Please keep us in your prayers that things continue to go as smoothly as they have been and that the next blog brings a date! Until then...thanks for reading! :)

And We're Off!

Yesterday was a great day in the surrogacy world-we had two big movements! I went for my third week of blood testing yesterday morning and got a call from one of the Brigham nurses afterwards saying it's time for me to start the birth control pill! This news means two things: 1) From what they can tell, my ovaries are working perfectly-my hormones are cycling just like all you other ladies out there 2) They now have control of my hormones (as well as Laura's) which is crucial in getting us ready to start our injections. Holly was on vacation last week but, now that I've started the pill, I'll hopefully hear from her Monday or Tuesday regarding our next steps. Since our original plan was to start injections in March for an April transfer, things seem to be right on track! The second piece of news is that Laura's lawyer (Ruth) completed the contract and will be sending it back to our lawyer for review. The way this works is that our lawyer (Leslie) drafted the original contract after speaking with Thom & I, which was then sent to Ruth. Ruth then reviewed the contract with Laura & Calvin, made necessary changes, and finalized it to be sent back to Leslie. Now that Leslie has the contract back, she'll review it again with us. Laura said that they didn't make any significant changes to the contract so I'm thinking we're nearing the final draft. Big news! So, that's about it for today. March used to seem so far away and now it right around the corner-yay!