It's a....!!!

SUPRISE! Well, we did it-we stuck to our guns and didn't find out whether we are having a boy or girl. I thought it would be a lot harder to say "no" when we actually got into the room and were asked whether or not we wanted to know, but it was pretty easy. In all honesty, it's still really hard to feel close to this baby, the pregnancy, or the reality that any of this is truly happening. Don't get me wrong...I get excited when I see Laura's growing belly, hear that the baby is becoming more active, and see the baby moving around on the ultrasound screen. But it's a much different, distant kind of excitement than it was when all of those things happened in my own body. Its hard to explain. I guess the feeling I can best relate it to was when my sister was pregnant for the first time around (with my nephew, Dylan). It was thrilling for sure, and I wanted to know every detail about the pregnancy, the appointments, etc. As is with this baby, I couldn't wait for him to finally be born...I counted down the seconds until that "I'm in labor" phone call. BUT there obviously wasn't that emotional, intimate attachment that I felt with Brynlee. I wouldn't have noticed the difference at the time but now, having been there once, I feel something missing. I imagine this feeling is normal and understandable but it's sometimes hard to feel. There is an element of guilt (on my part) that comes along with these feelings, even though I KNOW that the bond I'm missing right now will form as soon as I hold the baby in my arms. I can remember telling my sister, Katie, that I never thought I would be able to love another child as much as I loved Dylan. But, of course, I was able to love my next nephew, David, just as much...and Brynlee even more. I have no doubt in my mind that I will love this child as deeply as I love Brynlee but the guilty feelings still creep in. And no matter how much I love this next child, what if he/she THINKS I don't love him/her as much as I love Brynlee because I wasn't able to carry the pregnancy? Those thoughts are there too and they're scary. I can deal with the pain that this loss has caused/will cause me but I would be devastated to see it have an effect on my future child. People ask if we will tell this child that he/she was carried by somebody else. The answer is yes, we will definitely be very open about this fact. I'm not exactly sure HOW we'll do it but I know that we'll find the right time and the right way. Let's just hope that Brynlee isn't one of those bratty older siblings that says "Neiner Neiner Neiner, mommy loves me more than you because I grew in her belly...". Yikes! Anyways, I totally went off on a tangent there but I was trying to say that maybe this "distance" is what made it easier for me to NOT need to find out the gender this time around. Or maybe its just because we've been here before and I want to do it differently...who knows?! Either way, I'm incredibly excited that we didn't find out and can't wait for the moment that we do. :) But back to the most important part, the baby looked perfect on the ultrasound. Everything was measuring right on track, even up to the EXACT date we were at (20wks 5days). The heartbeat was at 140, 20bpm slower than at the last ultrasound. Old wives tales would speculate that this means it's a boy...DUN DUN DUN. Here are some pictures of our little mystery!

If you look closely you can see he/she is sucking its thumb (just like mama did)!

"You woke me up!"-baby rubbing the eyes and possibly sticking out tongue!

Cute little legs/bum shot! After the appointment, Thom and I actually had some time before catching our flight home so we got to spend some time with Laura and the family. Our past trips have been so quick that we've basically had to say goodbye in the office parking lot and haven't had much time to see Kaydence, Logan, and Calvin. Even though Laura is actually our "oven", her family is such a huge part of this for us too. For those of you who know me well, you can guess how excited I was when Laura mentioned going out for a spin on their new boat. We get to see our baby AND go on a boat...could this trip get any better?? Calvin was nice enough to get off work early so that he could pick up the boat and take us out on the lake on our way to the airport. Kaydence even got Thom out tubing..she can be pretty convincing! We were determined to make him fall off but he stayed on strong. Go Thom!

Needless to say, we had a great time on the boat with Laura and the family. Personally, I'd be happy boating through a pit of mud (that's how much I love boats!) but this was an extra bonus. We even got to catch the sun setting on the lake-it was absolutely beautiful!

Well, all good things must come to an end-Thom and I headed right for the airport from the boat. We actually had our clothes hanging out the window to dry on the ride to Atlanta because we weren't expecting to go on a boat ride and didn't have a change of clothes! It was a sight for sure. :) This time, it wasn't so hard saying goodbye to Laura and the baby because...here's our other big news...she (and Kay & Logan) will be moving out here in November to be with us until the baby is born! It's been up in the air for awhile so I didn't want to mention it (or get too excited) but its finally official! We're not 100% sure where she'll be living yet but we're working on it and, wherever it is, she'll be in MA and not 26hrs away! Laura always promised me that she'd do her best to make me feel a part of this pregnancy but I NEVER expected this. I had originally planned to move out to GA early with Brynlee to help Laura out in the last few weeks and also to make sure I was there for the birth. Thom would have stayed at home to work until we thought she was close to labor but there was always that chance that he wouldn't make the delivery. Now, we all get to be a close part of the whole last trimester and can ENSURE that we will both be there for delivery without having to completely disrupt our lives, our jobs, and most importantly, Brynlee's life. And our families/friends can visit us in the hospital after the baby is born! It may sound silly but I really looked forward to that part with Brynlee and was bummed that I never felt well enough to have visitors. As I've always said, we are SO incredibly blessed to have found Laura in this process. There is no doubt in my mind that God had a plan from the very beginning. Love you, Laura!! That's all I've got for today. Lots of big and exciting news! We're 21wks 2days along...

MORE THAN HALF WAY THERE!! :)